Meeting self is less of a struggle today !

As I grow I can clearly see the distinct difference between Freedom Within and Freedom Outside that runs parallel to every action.

As a child I was never held back to anything. My grand parents and parents were traditional but believed in giving complete freedom to our upbringing. I was given the complete freedom to choose every aspect of my life - the subjects that I want to pick for my studies, the career I chose, the guy whom I chose to get married, The hobbies I wanted to pursue, the places I wanted to visit, the dresses I wore. There was complete freedom in everything. Inspite of that, I realized a chained life. I was chained to my own thoughts, my own mind. 

I was always under the grip of my mind. Chain of thoughts continued without a break. I was always either in the past or the future, never in the present. Inspite of having everything that I could wish for a good life, I was never happy. The unhappiness raised to such great heights that I fell into a depression trap. I started falling physically sick, remaining mentally lost and emotionally low with the palpitation scores always remaining on the higher count. Tears used to just roll down without any reason. Thousand questions blasting in my mind like thousand atom bombs exploding every minute. I had started distancing away from everyone and remaining in my own silo. My restlessless was increasing and patience and concentration were completely lost and irritation and anger was at peak.  I had lost the pleasure and fun of life.

Until one day, I realized the life I was leading was not a normal life. I knew medical treatment was not answer. Few chemical pills will not cure me. I knew there was something much beyond. And there started my quest. I started looking for answers to the obvious human mind questions. Nothing could give me the solution I was looking for. 

Finally, it was like the universe heard me and it seemed apparent that the universe wanted me to go through process of heavy grilling to carve me to a good shape. It was an intelligently designed plan. Gradually and slowly, things started changing in my life on its own. My circle of friends changed, my selection of books, movies, plays changed, my subjects of discussion changed. I started following my daily practice of Yoga, Meditation, Prayers or Chants and participate in satsangs. Initially it needed a push. I had to literally force myself to close my eyes even for 5 seconds coz of the chaos running in my mind but eventually I started enjoying it. The results were still not apparent but much of the noise had started settling down. I wasn't into any overjoyed state of happiness but peace had definitely started walking into my life. 

This continued for good fifteen-sixteen years when I finally started enjoying and reaping some benefits. The daily routined practice of my spiritual exercises and closing my eyes and sitting quietly is less of a struggle today.  But then, as they say spiritual practices take time but definitely do have the power to open the mind, nourish the heart and change the inner world. I am happy that I can say too.  

The 20 minutes investment everyday leads to a Paradigm Shift - A transcendental movement. Always to my surprise as it has happened, no matter how much of a disturbance I am in, within few minutes something magical starts to happen inside as I sit with my eyes closed. I feel opened to something way beyond my own imagination. Its a clear movement from one way of being to another. I have no idea what is it but then - for sure - there is some magic to the whole experience. It gives a state of freedom from bondage, freedom from the clutters of the mind, freedom from the chains of thoughts, freedom from the captivating needs of the body. 

Its difficult to put everything in words but to just share few experiences of this state that I enjoy :

1.I allow it to "let loose"

The focus somehow shifts to a state of Love and Bliss with washing away of all my feelings of anger, hatred or any kind of discomfort, invariably leading to Selflessness, Empathy, Generosity, Oneness and rejoicing a state of "Equanimity".

2.I reach the melting point of my own EGO without much effort. 

There is a beautiful feeling of melting, dissolving and getting lost into the space of "nothingness"- that's deeply profound. The state of "EGO" gets completely  fused.  I am Everything or I am Nothing. It's no more tight and suffocating - its in its fluid state - its flowing all over. 

3. I go beyond "I / ME / MYSELF" 

From somewhere unknown there flows a sense of "Oneness" that yields a deeper and wider perspective to Life. I take a break from the big "ME". I am no longer the big "ME" which means I am not inside the defined square of my own uptight 'Identity' any longer. Its magical - I close the mind and the entire personality dissolves. 

4. I m pulled towards the "Center"

There is a strong pull of all my attention to the center. The focus automatically moves to the point of third eye and everything seems so much in balance, so much in control, so much in peace.

5. I am flown in to a mesmerizing state of abundance leading to heartfelt gratitude

I awake to the awareness of being blessed with so much to be thankful and grateful for. There is absolutely no obsession for more Consumption and Materialism. So many times I get so overwhelmed that I have ended up with tears rolling down from my eyes, flowing over my cheeks and I come back to my senses to wipe them off.  

Inspite of having such a powerful experience, strangely enough, the effect fades slowly as the day progresses. But then as I grow I see signs and symbols that give me the proof that something beautiful is definitely happening inside and slowly but surely helping me grow and evolve. 

• An increased state of conscious awareness of staying in bliss and enjoying more moments (if not each moment) with the belief that "whatever is happening is happening for my own good".
• An increasing belief that everything happens for a reason and more often being able to surrender to my fate and accepting life as it comes. 
• Fear, Worry, Apprehensions, Anxieties, if not always, to a great extent I seem to keep them under control and act with patience. (Still a long way to go though ... I know :) ). 
• Ability to "Ignore" a lot of things happening around that I do not approve of  and not get in to a conflict zone with a desire to give it back or prove a point.
• A definite loss of interest in constantly being in the process of interpreting the actions of others and being judgmental about people but being neutral towards most situations and people today. 
• A beautiful contented feeling of being connected with self and nature and things around.
• Most importantly developing a more diluted form of my own EGO. The "Sorry", "Please" and "Thank you's" come easy and Smile flows naturally.

It seems like I have started living life again and the best part is I meet myself everyday ! 😄